well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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