His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
