I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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