my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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