I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
