I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
BRING THE BAGELS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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