The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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