I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
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If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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