I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
