Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
