Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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