my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
