so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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