It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
