can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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