Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
