Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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