he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
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How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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