My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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