he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
