She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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