We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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