i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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