i need an iv and a liver transplant
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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