you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
