things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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