Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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