Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
