I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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