You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
They took my balls.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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