census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i now understand why vodka
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
