It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
