you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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