i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
