I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
