I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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