i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
