News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
