is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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