i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
NoShamevember. You game?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
