Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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