fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
