Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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