I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
