The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
