mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
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I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
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Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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