I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
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YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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