Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just high enough for therapy.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
