happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
