I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
