I wish my penis had an off switch
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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