dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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