He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
