theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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