I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
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Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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